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Funny Jokes

Monster Jokes
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Source: http://www.toytheater.com.

Guild Wars Joke
A warrior and a monk returning from a hard and long quest...

Warrior: Man i gotta pee, rest, sleep and eat when i get home!
Monk: In guild wars you can't pee (too bad for you, hahahah), you
never need to rest more than 10 seconds and you can't sleep either.
Warrior: ....oh man, was really looking forward to that...
Monk: Oh almost forgot, you can't get in houses in guild wars..
hey, let's just take the 3 last missions in the game now?!
Warrior: sorry, but the guy playing me needs to rest, pee,
sleep and eat in his fantastic modern house... see ya!

Go To Bed!
A small boy is sent to bed by his father...
[Five minutes later]
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]
"I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a glass of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"

They can't beat anyone!
A little boy was talking to a judge man about his parents abusing him.
The judge asked the little boy: "Who would you like to live with?
How about the Wolverines?"

The boy said, "They'll beat me."
The judge then asked, "How about the Buckeyes?"
The boy said again, "They'll beat me too."

Then the judge said, "How about the Spartans?"
The boy said, "Good idea! They won't beat me. They can't beat anyone!"

Bad Car Day
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was
wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer,
don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop,
blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked:
"Are we over the border yet?"

Camoflauge Clothing
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would
be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior
for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight
hostile ships on the horizon. The Captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

Who Wants to be a Millionaire
A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,"
and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.
The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"

       Galactic Dream Rage of War Demo
Blonde Haircut
A blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to
take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can't take
them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The
barber can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes
them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what's happened,
he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said:

"Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out..."

Let's start with the beginning...
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of the nature of your problem," the doctor said.
"So perhaps you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning,
I created the Heavens and the Earth."

Fidelity Test
Her: "If I die, will you marry again?"
Him: "No dear, never!"
Her: "Why? You have something against remarriage?"
Him: "Oh, no, I have nothing against-"
Her: "Then why won't you remarriage?!"
Him: "Okay, I would remarry if you want it so."
Her (sad): "Oh, so you would remarry..."
Him: "Well, yes."
Her: "And you would sleep with her in our bed?"
Him: "Well, where would you like me to sleep?"
Her: "And you would replace my picture with hers?"
Him: "Well, it's normal that-"
Her: "And she would be driving my car?"
Him: "Now, she doesn't know how to drive."

Celebrity Farting
Shaggy, Shania Twain and Britney Spears go in a limo to a restaurant.
Someone farts and Shaggy says: "Wasn't me!".
Shania Twain says: " That don't impress me much."
Britney Spears says: "Oops, I did it again."

The next day they go in a limo to a bar and someone farts.
Shaggy says, as usual: "Wasn't me!".
"That don't impress me much," says Shania Twain.
Britney Spears says: "Stronger than yesterday."

Gettin' Drunk
One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and
sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy:
"Hey you look just like me!"
The other man agrees and asks, "Where are you from?"
The first guy answers, "Chicago."
"Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"
"Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.
"Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited.
"What's your address?"
"Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?"
"John and Cathy," says the first guy.
"Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we're related!?"

Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming
on asks if anything is new. "No," says the first bartender,
"just the Smith twins, drunk again."

Gorilla Control
A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed
gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely.
Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog,
a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and
threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down.
When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until
he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"
"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla... shoot the dog."

The Little Girl and the Wrinkles
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on
his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks: "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy!" says the little girl, "He sure does a lot better
job these days, isn't He?"

More Jokes...

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