blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to
take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can't take
them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The
barber can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes
them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what's happened,
he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said:
"Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out..."
Let's start with the beginning...
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of the nature of your problem," the doctor said.
"So perhaps you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning,
I created the Heavens and the Earth."
Her: "If I die, will you marry again?"
Him: "No dear, never!"
Her: "Why? You have something against remarriage?"
Him: "Oh, no, I have nothing against-"
Her: "Then why won't you remarriage?!"
Him: "Okay, I would remarry if you want it so."
Her (sad): "Oh, so you would remarry..."
Him: "Well, yes."
Her: "And you would sleep with her in our bed?"
Him: "Well, where would you like me to sleep?"
Her: "And you would replace my picture with hers?"
Him: "Well, it's normal that-"
Her: "And she would be driving my car?"
Him: "Now, she doesn't know how to drive."
Shaggy, Shania Twain and Britney Spears go in a limo to a restaurant.
Someone farts and Shaggy says: "Wasn't me!".
Shania Twain says: " That don't impress me much."
Britney Spears says: "Oops, I did it again."
The next day they go in a limo to a bar and someone farts.
Shaggy says, as usual: "Wasn't me!".
"That don't impress me much," says Shania Twain.
Britney Spears says: "Stronger than yesterday."
One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and
sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy:
"Hey you look just like me!"
The other man agrees and asks, "Where are you from?"
The first guy answers, "Chicago."
"Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"
"Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.
"Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited.
"What's your address?"
"Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?"
"John and Cathy," says the first guy.
"Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we're related!?"
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming
on asks if anything is new.
"No," says the first bartender,
"just the Smith twins, drunk again."
A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed
gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely.
Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog,
a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.
"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and
threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down.
When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until
"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"
"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla... shoot the dog."
The Little Girl and the Wrinkles
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on
his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks: "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy!" says the little girl, "He sure does a lot better
job these days, isn't He?"
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